Wait, no. My lighter didn't malfunction in my pocket. I didn't accidentally stab myself in the thigh. I'm not bleeding, and all my clothing is intact. What the hell happened?
A wasp flew up my skirt in the Lowe's parking lot.
Let me say this: IT FREAKING HURTS TO GET STUNG THAT CLOSE TO YOUR LADY BITS.
I can't sit. I've been up and down all afternoon, and I haven't written a single word all day. This is the first time I've been able to sit still for more than a few minutes without feeling like I was being stabbed in the tuchus with a flaming sword.
I reached into the pocket of my skirt to pull out my keys, and the black wasp that flew under my ruffles took offense to the near-smashing he endured. I suppose my black skirt resembled the display of bar-b-cue grills out front of the store, and he mistook me for a mobile wasp home. Why do wasps always nest in grills? We pull about three nests a year out of our grill. Can you tell we don't use it very much?
Luckily, there was another customer in the parking lot who had a first aid kit handy, and she actually had insect sting treatment vials. You crack the vial, and rub the mentholated stuff on the affected area. It helps with pain and swelling, but I had to flash the whole parking lot to apply it. I tried ducking down behind the grills, but the rest of the wasps were laughing at me, I'm sure.
Anyway, that's my excuse for today. I didn't make any new pages because every time I sat down to write, it felt like I'd planted my buttocks on the hot coals inside one of those grills. The Advil, hydrocortisone, and ice packs have combined to reduce the swelling, and I might actually get something done tonight. It remains to be seen, because I'm about to take some benadryl so I'll be able to sleep tonight, and that stuff makes me loopy.
Wish me luck, and don't wear loose black skirts to home improvement stores.